HOW-OF-WHY

In 1664, when the Netherlanders relocated to New York [New Amsterdam], they carried their customs with them. Dutch youngsters awaited a visit from Sinter Klaas (Saint Nicholas) and presents he’d leave in their wooden shoes on the eve of December 5. But by the 1820’s the Dutch political and cultural domination had been replace by Americans of English descent. Chief among them was Washington Irving and his wealthy pals who called themselves, ironically the Knickerbockers, a social and literary society which heavily represented the older and more established wealth of the city.

There was no established tradition of gift giving except the plebeian practice of MISRULE, when rowdy bands of the poor would invade the neighborhoods of the rich and powerful for one night, moving from house to house accosting people for money or food and ale.

Irving and his aristocratic pals were openly politically conservative, reactionary, and opposed to democracy. He devised a plan to invent an American Christmas that we celebrate today. He convinced his brother in law, John Pintard, to handle introducing influential society to a character called Santa Claus*, patterned after Saint Nicholas. Irving’s friend, Clement Moore was assigned to write a holiday poem. Irving even provided Moore specific written descriptions of Santa Clause in order to make it popular and honorable to make Christmas a time to keep your wealth within the family, by giving gifts to each other. The goal was to put an end to the threats, demands and needs of the growing masses of the immigrant urban poor and make a holiday dependent upon a modern concept of Christmas that could be marketed, especially since it involved the giving and receiving of gifts. A Christmas required rudimentary commercial practices - everything from advertising the idea of exchanging (purchased) gifts, and creating a safe environment in the cities where people of means could shop - which would become popular and widely accepted.

We all know the result of this substantial marketing plan. “The Night Before Christmas:, originally entitled “A Visit from Saint Nick”, was published and soon became a “tradition” of our national consumer identity.

So as you are searching the many unique shops, malls or discount stores for those last minute gifts, take a moment to silently thank those who long ago made Christmas the first capitalist holiday.

Prior to “A Visit from Saint Nick” being published, John Pintard commissioned the printing of a broadside to be distributed and posted. He got Moore

"Knickerbocker Santa Claus"

Oh good holy man! whom we Sancte Claus name,
The Nursery forever your praise shall proclaim:
The day of your joyful revisit returns,
When each little bosom with gratitude burns,
For the gifts which at night you so kinkdly impart
To the girls of your love, and the boys of your heart.
Oh! come with your panniers and pockets well stow'd,
Our stockings shall help you to lighten your load,
As close to the fireside gaily they swing,
While delighted we dream of the presents you bring.

Oh! bring the bright Orange so juicy and sweet,
Bring almonds and raisins to heighten the treat;
Rich waffles and dough-nuts must not be forgot,
Nor Crullers and Oley-Cooks fresh from the pot.
But of all these fine presents your Saintship can find,
Oh! leave not the famous big Cookies behind.
Or if in your hurry one thing you mislay,
Let that be the Rod--and oh! keep it away.

I collaborated on a short video.
It is a contest to create a promotion on YouTube for a Milwaukee, Wisconsin Art Gallery called Hotcakes Gallery. The video with the most YouTube hits will win.
Plese take a look as often as possible & tell as many people to also take multiple looks.
It has its own title, but I call it:


ZOMBIE TEEN LICKS HOTCAKES AT HOT ZOMBIE ART GALLERY AS ZOMBIES WATCH & DO THE AT ZOMBIE VODOO THAT THET DO SO ZOMBIELIKE!!!

I think in the future historians will agree with the evaluation that the 2oth century was the American Century. The 21st Century is barely up and running but by most indicators Asia and Africa seem to be taking over the store. Then again, the very reality of "a future" for the human race maybe up for rethinking. If one of several comets/meteors now heading our way does not end all life as we have known it by 2012, human caused global warming may re-landscape the entire planet into something like Kevin Costner's WATERWORLD scenario. Despite his constant career reinvention, I doubt that Dennis Hopper will become the man in charge. In fact if carbon based life forms like us survive the next bigger bang-like cosmic event, it may only to replace ourselves with some sort of silicon life forms like the non-meat android types in AI or I ROBOT.

But closer to home and this moment in time there are three American's who seem to be the main boys close enough to world power to maybe suggest a few strategies on how to stave off the global eruption of World War Three and the planetary meltdown where those with gills rule.

They are the policy wonk-ish, big brained Bill Clinton, the elected but robbed Al Gore, and the smartest, most ethical, most honest ex-President still alive, Jimmy Carter. There are many other who have Best & Brightest, but hey have been marginalized, often by their own human flaws. People like Ralph Nadar, Hilary Clinton, Jesse Jackson, Senator Kerry, Senator McClain, Senator Obama, Ariana Huffington, to name but a few

And, oddly enough, celebrity, bigoted, talented Mel Gibson, whose latest film, APOCOLYPTO, lays out a story that diagrams the self-destruction of entire cultures as he also draws allusionS to how it mirrors America's current Presidential Administration led path to war, disaster and the end of the world.

From an economic and political stand point whoever is our fearless leader should tell China, Japan, Iraq and Israel "You are not the boss of me.” All three, of course, will reply. "Oh yes I am!" Then our nest line is, "Oh yeah, well then you can cover our debt and pay us back for services provided."

China, forgive all our debt and start acting like 21st century citizens of the world. End slavery, accept labor unions, establish a democracy and skip the whole coal and oil phase of human progress and embrace wind, solar & biofuel. Oh and get out of Tibet, let the Dahli Lahma back in. And American Congress and President, MAKE IT SO! Oh and Mr. Pope, Listen up. Co author a book with the Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso, Grand Ayatollah Mohammed Hussein Fadlallah, and another high end Muslim cleric. go on a personal appearance tour with the Beasty Boys and maybe Bono, Bob Dylan, the Dixie Chicks, and Merl Streep and raise some consciousness and bucks.

Oh and Gates and Buffet, fund every school in the USA and healthcare for all. We are not fooled by your gifts to Africa. We know that you know that that is where your future business markets are. We are not stupid, and Billy, give up on Windows Vista. It just gets worse. Go back to the CPM OS you stole and leave the high end computing to an OS designed by Apple. BTW, Steve Jobs, slap some sense into media giant Disney/ABC/ESPN, will ya?

Israel, even though you have a military and booming arms sales industry, we have been functioning you client state for too long. Pay us back for every cent in protection we have provided and recognize a Palestinian state, and return the land you stole and free your palestinian brothers and sister who you have forced to live in refugee imprisonment for decades.

Iraq, recognize Israel as a nation, pay us back every cent with your massive oil income, hire the Israeli military to train your own and provide the interim protection that we have been doing, and provide life long financial support for each & every surviving family member of every American Soldier and civilian that has given their very life (or been injured) for you. Japan, we have been your military protector since WW2. Payback time. No, we won't trust you to re-militarize (we are not that stupid), but you can make the cars. Employ every autoworker in the USA with a family supporting job, speed up the production of renewable energy running vehicles & technologies. While you are at it get one of those cute robotic doggies to every American families who wants one and one of those pigmy sized humanoid robots to do household drudgery work and other jobs like bomb squad duty in law enforcement.

Also, Wal-Mart, knock it off! You too McDonalds! American Republican's & Democrats, the party-time is over. Remember Tommy Jefferson's line: "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure." Well , brothers & sisters, the manure has hit the fan. Dismember your party.

Don't us come over there!!!

©2006, Michael John Moynihan, all rights reserved

WARNING
THIS ESSAY INVOLVES THE ART & CRAFT OF COMEDY & POLITICAL SATIRE.
YOU MAY NOT GET IT OR IT MAY OFFEND YOU.
IT ALSO CONTAINS A VARIATION OF THE CLASSIC BLUE JOKE "THE ARISTOCRATS".

READ ON AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION

"I know there's a lot of speculation that these reports in Washington mean there's going to be some kind of graceful exit out of Iraq. This business about a graceful exit just simply has no realism to it whatsoever. We're going to stay in Iraq to get the job done as long as the government wants us there." - President GWB

John Kerry has more credibility than GWB in every single regard,
except one.
Telling a joke.
Kerry flubbed a punch line and the Republican'ts all wet themselves.
The GWB puppeteers should be very familiar with jokes
That would be because they all are the human embodiment of a joke.
Except for Roving Karl, that is.
Karl is a dirty, filthy, nauseating obscene joke.

BUT just about everything that GWB has ever said or mouthed is a joke.
Were he on a tiny small town comedy club stage, he would actually be sorta funny.
But he is on an international stage.
And his jokes result in public policy as well as thousand of human deaths and injuries.
Those are also dirty, filthy, nauseating obscene, pornographic GWB jokes

Lets diagram the joke above.

The introduction or set up:
"I know there's a lot of speculation that these reports in Washington mean there's going to be some kind of graceful exit out of Iraq"

The body or build-up:
"This business about a graceful exit just simply has no realism to it whatsoever."

And conclusion or Punch Line:
"We're going to stay in Iraq to get the job done as long as the government wants us there."

Now this particular punch line is filled with multiple payoffs
depending on the listener's interpretation.

By "We're" who is Bush referring to? He is not there, but American soldiers are.

"get the job done" means what? Kill everyone? One faction or the other? All factions but one? All Americans? All Iraqis?

"as long as the government wants" Which government? The USA? The Iraq government.
If the government in a democracy is the people,
does it mean as long as the American people wants?
The majority do not want. "us" there.
The people of Iraq? The majority of the people of Iraq do not want "us" in their country.

So the question basically boils down to a version of "Who's On First?"

And the Kerry punch line holds up "then you end up in Iraq".

Solving John Kerry's joke telling problem is easily solved.
Hire Gilbert Gottfried to travel with him and when a joke is to be told,
turn the stage over to the professional.

GWB's problem is a little more difficult to solve.
When everything you say is a joke, well, it just isn't so funny anymore.

Here is the joke that Kerry and every Democratic Presidential wanna-be should tell in every speech:

A talent agent is sitting behind his desk when George Bush, his wife Barbara and his sons George W. and Jeb and George W.'s wife Laura enter his office.
The talent agent looks up and says, "Yeah, whatd'ya want?"
Bush is a little nervous, but he enters, followed by his family.
Laura is carrying a boom-box.

"Have I got an act for you, sir," says Bush.
"If you sign my family we'll make you the richest agent in the entire world!"

The talent agent's heard it all before, and shakes his head in disbelief.
"Fella," the agent says, "Everybody who's come through that door promises me the same damn thing.
Besides, I don't sign 'family acts."

"Oh, but we're different from any family act you've ever seen before!" Bush claims.
"Our act is special!"

The talent agent resigns himself and sighs.
"Okay, buddy, you have one minute. You guys better impress me."

"All right!" Bush exclaims. "Laura, cue the music."
Laura then puts the boom-box down and hits "play," and a Sousa march starts playing.
The whole family starts dancing, jumping, turning and balancing on one foot, and then the mother and sons start doing flips around the room.

Then Barbara forcefully grabs George, rips off his clothes,
and then starts deep yelling at him while spanking his butt.
"Act like a MAN" she screams. "Show me the money", she yells

George W. and Jeb begin to have a contest to see who can execute the most convicted felons, pushing and shoving each other into the walls.

Laura rips off her own clothes and begins passing out fist fulls illegal drugs to everyone.

The men then proceed to squat and defecate all over a small globe, yelling at each other to kill the unbelievers and do the Lord's work.
The two wives soon the join in.

George senior grabs a big handful of steaming hot, wet broccoli and rubs it all over his face. He starts yelling "Mommie! Mommie! Oh, Mommie!"
while the son's and wives laugh so hard they begin to choke.

Jeb suddenly throws up.

George W. quickey takes out a copy of the Constitution and spreads it out
and they all vomit all over it.
The whole family is exhausted, but then they dump several buckets of money
and five cans of oil and gasoline all over the mess on the floor.

Whoever still has any clothing on, has it ripped off of them
and they all begin drinking bottles of hard liquor
and rolling around on the big disgusting mess on the floor.

Suddenly as if on cue, they all become absolutely still for three seconds.

They then jump to their feet, turn to the talent agent and yell, "Ta-daaaah!!"
Then they take a deep theatrical bow.

The talent agent is beyond words.

After a long pause he's finally able to talk again and he says,
"That is a hell of an act!"

The family just smiles back at him while patting each other on each other's butts.

The agent continues, "I gotta know, what do you guys call yourselves?"

George Bush senior snaps his fingers in a grand theatrical gesture and says,
"The Aristocrats!"